Ellie Sol

She was twenty years old when she left school and began working as a part-time waitress. She found a boy and fell in love. Soon after they started their relationship, they decided they wanted to have a baby. They tried for a few months and soon found she was pregnant. She moved into her boyfriends parents house with her boyfriend where she unfortunately miscarried her first child. She took some time to heal but didn’t allow her miscarriage to sway her from trying again.

Talking with her today, everything is exactly the same except she is now seven months pregnant and rounder than ever. She is a giggly girl who speaks a lot about her boyfriend. As of lately, the topics of our conversations revolve around her evolving body. Her ankles are swelling and her back hurts after her shift. She spends her nights at home with her boyfriend and his parents. The greatest joy she’s gotten in the past month has been a box of make-up she ordered from the internet and the many hours of play she recieved along with it.

I have known many couples over the past five years of my life who have been unmarried and found themselve with child. They’ve decided to keep their children rather than abort their pregnancies and most with simple explanations of the excitement that comes with a new glowing baby. I’ve also watched more than half of those relationships ended and split before babies third birthday. They share custody of their child and raise them in two homes. I look around and it seems to be the norm among my generation, my fellow students, my peers at work, even close friends of mine.

The twenty-three year old seven months pregnant woman from above has repeatedly said things to me that make me want to shout “A baby is not what you need right now!” If you are trying to have a child, shouldn’t you be financially stable enough to care for yourself and your child? If you are trying to have a child, should you automatically rely on your parents to watch your babe for you while you’re at work? If you’re trying to have a child shouldn’t you, ya know, be able to pay your own rent, make your own meals, and be able to fend for yourself as an adult?? How do you plan to care for a child if you haven’t begun to care for yourself?

It has only been in the last year that I decided I would like to have children but so many things would have to be happening before I would even *think* about having them. A husband would be nice. Single parenting is no easy feat and I think it’s important to have two parents raising a child…if only for the benefit of their personality alone. A job that pays well…maybe one with some kind of health coverage. Just because the state is required to birth your baby doesn’t mean it should have to. I dunno, maybe being older that twenty-five! Having lived some life and gain some substance or wisdom to pass on to your child so the next generation isn’t a walking crowd of limited beings asking the same questions we’ve asked without any answers.

Maybe I’m being too harsh. Falling in love and having a child is a beautiful thing. I just feel like pregnancy and parenting have become such nonchalant topics. Our population is overgrown, our school systems are jam-packed with educational results that dwindle every year. Babies are fun…but those babies grow up to be adults. What kind of future are we offering them?

I choose to be happy at the start of each day. My happiness continually brings me more happiness!

Union Tribune: Spontaneously bursting into song isn’t something you typically do but today you just might. Your life is so upbeat that it really could use its own soundtrack, and you know just how to score it!

Email: The Full Moon places emphasis on who you have become over the past six months. The changes you’ve been going through become more evident at this time; as the Sun and Venus journey through fun-loving Sagittarius, your relationships will begin to reflect the new you. Be prepared for intensity in coming weeks!

Msn: Is your current love interest out of town, dear Gemini? If so, you may spend much of the day feeling lonely and gloomy. Your friend misses you, too, so don’t think you’ll be alone for very long. Try to fill the hours until your partner’s return with activities that you love, such as artistic pursuits. The time should then go quickly, and you’ll be back together before you know it. Hang in there!

Normally, I enjoy my horoscope. It tends to lend itself to the current side of things. I cannot say it is always right on the button but nothing ever is. And lately, I feel like someone has been following me around and making notes about my life and then emailing the writers that send me my horoscopes each day. It’s like, wtf??

My heart is happy. My head is happy. My life is fulfilling. I have good plans for myself and my future and I look forward to venturing into the new year. I think it’s going to be the beginning of a lot of great things in my life. These three horoscopes all emcompass aspects of my 2010 list of goals. It’s making my heart flutter! Music, reflections, changes, love. I am so blessed.

I hope this feeling is going around.

From the woman I am, from the woman I am becoming, I send you so much love! XO

Last week, a musician friend of mine asked me to join him on a song he will be performing at an event coming up towards the end of the month. I’ve been singing for a few years now but only in my shower and only for myself. I’ve had the biggest case of performance fright since…forever. I do not like to sing for people and when I’m asked to, I immediately run and hide. The last time I sang for an audience, my limbs began shaking so much, I left the stage before finishing the song.

I’m not usually like that. My personality is very open by nature. I am social, without hesitation. I never get embarrassed. My professors ask me to join them at the board or give an impromtu speech and I do it with ease. No problem. But singing…ooohh, singing. Something has always kept me from doing it. Actually, lots of somethings. And I’m beginning to think all those somethings are actually just my thoughts working against me.

Today I tuned into Hug Nation for the weekly live chat. The topic for today was Self-Judgement. How we judge ourselves and our abilities and how those judgements can oppress us from doing the things we are capable of achieving. Honestly, this couldn’t have come at a more opportune time!! With this upcoming show that Nick Z. has asked me to be apart of, I had absolutely no reason to say no. (Except, of course, that I am deathly afraid of singing for an audience. Pishposhwhatever.) But it got me thinking about why I’m so afraid.

I always thought that being on stage singing a song for someone meant that the person performing knew what they were doing; they were the best of the best which allowed them to be there. But the stage is not the end. It is apart of the path that every singer must walk. How do you become a better performer if you don’t practice performance? Understanding that I am still pursuing the height of my talent means that it is okay to not be amazing. Judging myself before actually doing anything only keeps me living in fear. The act of doing will raise me above.

John also touched on a very great point about gratitude! Here I am with the gift of voice and yet I hide! I sing to myself everyday. Have melodies streaming through my head during the day, lyrics creating themselves as I hum, yet I hide. I fear so much having someone say “Your voice isn’t good enough to sing that!” or “Those lyrics are absolutely terrible!’ that I forget how happy it make me to sing them and create them! The self-doubt is so loud I cannot enjoy the music I have constantly streaming and it takes away from my ability to harvest it. No writer was born overnight writing amazing songs. No vocalist aced it perfect on their first note. So why do I expect that of myself?

I am grateful to have the power of thought and endless sources of knowledge to help me write better lyrics. I’m grateful to be given this voice and to live in a home all my own where I can belt as loudly as I want to until I get it right. I’m grateful to have friends like Nick Z. who see my potential and stand as a guide to help my fear subside. I’m grateful for friends who support me in my dreams and can see how much this all means to me. I am grateful to have a soul that can see her fear and realize that she is stronger than it.

John today shared that “All success comes from experience; all experience come from failure.” I will not fear something I know I can succeed at. And even if success is not achieved, I will have learned. Which I will use for the next time I try.

Last Saturday, I had lunch with Patrica and Lee. They are one of my favorite couples! We were sitting at a table waiting for our meals when Patricia asked me to make a list of the things I want in “the one.” The man of my dreams. My perfect match. It was an akward conversation to have with one of the most perfectly matched couples I have in my life. Actually, I have three favorite couples in my life. Trish and Lee, Brian and Korrie, and Jack and Charity. Why they are my favorites seems so obvious to me and very easy to explain:

When you’re around any one of them, you understand that they were meant for one another. Their personalities match, they have similar humor and wit. They understand each other while having different perspectives, which always make for interesting conversation. They are smart and beautiful and true to themselves and each other. I haven’t known them as long as they have all known each other but when I’m with them, I can’t imagine them with anyone else! I had the opportunity to meet ex’s from a few of them. As much as I may have enjoyed these people, they weren’t perfect for my friends…because their current partners are.

So, I’m sitting at the table with Patricia and Lee, makin’ my list.

Number one is must read books. I read so much and book swapping is one of my favorite things, ever. Book reading = essential. My second quality was tall. Well, taller than me. Having dated men ranging the height spectum, I like looking up for a kiss or being enveloped in a snug hug. I like tall. Number three was music. Lee said “He has to like good music. What’s good music? Your music?” My answer needed to be more specific. I tend to like classical musicians and artist. You know, when music was made by real musicians. You know…a musician is someone who plays an instrument. Instruments…guitars…pianos… I digress. The problem I had with my last boyfriend wasn’t that we listened to completely different kinds of music. My problem was he never let me listen to my own unless it was in my head phones. I’d be home making dinner, singing my tunes when he’d walk in, say hello, and just change the music to his own. No reason just, that’s how it went. I didn’t mind his music but sometimes, I wanna listen to my shit…and that’s just it. So, number three is he has to let me listen to my music.

After this, my list just got silly.

Patricia said “Okay we’ve got reads books, lets you listen to your music, and is taller than you. What else?” I was looking out the window trying to think of something specific I wanted and I blurted out “Not stupid.” Lee says “Naaaah! Positive!” “I dunno, what’s the opposite of ‘not stupid’? Brilliant?”

After this, my mind couldn’t genuinely think about it anymore. Patricia has tried to get me to make this list a few times, and it’s always a challenge for me. I’ve tried to think about why asking the universe to bring me exactly what I want in a partner for life is a challenge for me.

It’s not that I can’t make the list, it’s that I’m not ready to make the list. I’m still growing, still learning about who I am. How can I fully know what I want -for life-? I don’t want to find my perfect someone right now. What I want right now is to finish school, finish my interpreting program, write my stories, sing my songs, flower my garden and enjoy being me for a long while before I become me and he.

Patricia and Lee, Brian and Korrie, Jack and Charity, I couldn’t imagine knowing them any other way. I know that at one point they did exist without the other but the power that shines from their relationships is something to marvel. I believe they were only able to reach that level by taking the time to learn who they were individually, so they could come together and shine. So I will take this time to fully develop. When it is time for me to make that list, it will be made with ease. The beautiful love that radiates from these couples is a glow I hope to one day achieve.

Until then, seventh wheel. And totally cool with that. For as long as they’ll have me.

My best friend called me on Wednesday and filled me in on her life. She told me that there was a high possibility that one of our friends will be moving into the house with her and our other friends. This woman is a very beautiful, very creative, inspirational woman in our community. I’ve always liked her and always enjoyed her presence. But when my friend told me she was thinking of moving in, my initial reaction was

Noooo!

It immediately put me in a sad mood. Grouchy mood. When I realized that my otherwise great day at school was completely erased, my head suddenly filled with grey, I was taken aback. This news had so much sway within me it was alarming. Why was I so upset by the news?

Being so far away from my friend, I’ve felt very isolated. It has been hard for me to be away from her. Normally, I see her once a week, if not more. I live twenty-five miles south and now I’m immobile, stick in the city. When I heard this news, it was pure jealousy. If this amazing woman is there more than I, what will happen to my amazing friendship with my amazing friend? I felt like I could easily be replaced and I saw something I deeply cherish being taken away with me having little power to stop it.

Oy, I got so far ahead of myself so quickly.

Why does my friend making a good friend have to take away from my friendship with her? It sounds so…silly. I don’t live there, I won’t be there, I won’t see her as often as I’d like, or as often as her new roommate will. These two woman have so much in common and there is no doubt that there bond will become stronger. But the bond that I’ve built with my friend is far beyond anything that could be crushed by time, distance, or additional friends.

There is no reason that giving to one friendship or relationship has to take away from another. I’m not losing a friend, she’s gaining one and building upon another friendship. I’m happy for her. I’m happy they both will get this experience, not jealous because I won’t.

And I’m happy that I realized all of this. How I was feeling. Why I was feeling. It’s hard for me to make friends. I’m so picky with the people I have in my life. This woman has been such an incredible addition to my journey and the thought of losing her to another friendship immediately had my insides all turned around and upside down. Than, after thinking about it, I knew that the only thing that could dampen our friendship would be me allowing these crazy negative thoughts to hinder our friendship before they even have relevance.

That much beautiful womanly energy under one roof might make the earth open up.

I pray to heavens I’m there to witness it.