Last week, a musician friend of mine asked me to join him on a song he will be performing at an event coming up towards the end of the month. I’ve been singing for a few years now but only in my shower and only for myself. I’ve had the biggest case of performance fright since…forever. I do not like to sing for people and when I’m asked to, I immediately run and hide. The last time I sang for an audience, my limbs began shaking so much, I left the stage before finishing the song.
I’m not usually like that. My personality is very open by nature. I am social, without hesitation. I never get embarrassed. My professors ask me to join them at the board or give an impromtu speech and I do it with ease. No problem. But singing…ooohh, singing. Something has always kept me from doing it. Actually, lots of somethings. And I’m beginning to think all those somethings are actually just my thoughts working against me.
Today I tuned into Hug Nation for the weekly live chat. The topic for today was Self-Judgement. How we judge ourselves and our abilities and how those judgements can oppress us from doing the things we are capable of achieving. Honestly, this couldn’t have come at a more opportune time!! With this upcoming show that Nick Z. has asked me to be apart of, I had absolutely no reason to say no. (Except, of course, that I am deathly afraid of singing for an audience. Pishposhwhatever.) But it got me thinking about why I’m so afraid.
I always thought that being on stage singing a song for someone meant that the person performing knew what they were doing; they were the best of the best which allowed them to be there. But the stage is not the end. It is apart of the path that every singer must walk. How do you become a better performer if you don’t practice performance? Understanding that I am still pursuing the height of my talent means that it is okay to not be amazing. Judging myself before actually doing anything only keeps me living in fear. The act of doing will raise me above.
John also touched on a very great point about gratitude! Here I am with the gift of voice and yet I hide! I sing to myself everyday. Have melodies streaming through my head during the day, lyrics creating themselves as I hum, yet I hide. I fear so much having someone say “Your voice isn’t good enough to sing that!” or “Those lyrics are absolutely terrible!’ that I forget how happy it make me to sing them and create them! The self-doubt is so loud I cannot enjoy the music I have constantly streaming and it takes away from my ability to harvest it. No writer was born overnight writing amazing songs. No vocalist aced it perfect on their first note. So why do I expect that of myself?
I am grateful to have the power of thought and endless sources of knowledge to help me write better lyrics. I’m grateful to be given this voice and to live in a home all my own where I can belt as loudly as I want to until I get it right. I’m grateful to have friends like Nick Z. who see my potential and stand as a guide to help my fear subside. I’m grateful for friends who support me in my dreams and can see how much this all means to me. I am grateful to have a soul that can see her fear and realize that she is stronger than it.
John today shared that “All success comes from experience; all experience come from failure.” I will not fear something I know I can succeed at. And even if success is not achieved, I will have learned. Which I will use for the next time I try.
